Five animals you didn't know were dangerous

By: 
Joshua Waddles
Staff Writer

Nature has a pretty twisted sense of humor sometimes. There’s no shortage of animals that can make a 6’4, 300 pound man shudder just for thinking about them that are actually harmless. On the other end, we have a nice selection of cute, cuddly animals that can easily hurt a person very bad or even kill.

Cats

Isn’t your cat just so adorable when she playfully bites your finger? I’ve got a picture of my cat doing that. I never knew what she could have done if she’d bit hard enough.

Cats’ mouths are full of bacteria. When they give a serious bite, breaking the skin with those needle-sharp teeth, it often causes an infection so serious that the skin swells up, blackens and splits like a snake bite.

Have you ever felt like your cat was giving you an expression as if to say “You’d better not make me mad?” She means it.

Zebras

When I was a kid, I always used to wonder why they didn’t domesticate zebras in Africa the same way that we domesticated horses.

As it turns out, it’s because zebras are crazy. They’re very aggressive to humans both in the wild and in the zoos. Don’t try to pet one if you’re ever on a dream vacation to the Serengeti, because these striped little pony friends kill more zoo keepers than any other animal.

Platypodes

When explorers first discovered the duck-billed platypus and brought back the preserved animal, merchants thought that they were being trolled. They felt through the preserved animals fur, thinking for sure that the explorers sewed different dead animals together: the bill of a duck, the body of a beaver, and hind claws out of a bad SyFy Channel movie.

Male platypodes have hind claws dripping with venom. It won’t kill a person, but the pain can be so excruciating that the victim can’t move, only lie there and groan while the pain spreads throughout the body while the platypus laughs and says, “Who’s funny looking now?”

Chimpanzees

The first choice for any rich person in search of an exotic pet and a very bad decision. A chimpanzee can’t be happy outside of a proper habitat with trees and things to swing on. When people try to raise them as little furry people, the chimp gets depressed and acts out, sometimes violently. Which is bad news, because a chimpanzee is 130 pounds of solid muscle.

They may be small, but their muscle mass is so dense that they can’t swim, they sink like furry bricks. A four-foot tall chimp could break every bone in a man’s body if it wanted to, which is why they really belong in a zoo, where your biggest concern is what they throw at you. If you’re very very lucky, it’ll be mud.

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